


Someday

by muchlove_judge



Category: Actor RPF, Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: Angst, Eventual Happy Ending, M/M, Unhappy Beginning, the angst is real people
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-14
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-07-12 06:33:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15989657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muchlove_judge/pseuds/muchlove_judge
Summary: Timmy can't do it anymore and Armie's left heartbroken.





	1. Almost Lover

_“I cannot wake up in the morning_ _  
_ _Without you on my mind”_

_Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy_

* * *

 

 

“I can’t do this anymore,” he rasps into the quiet room.

 

He’d been able to keep the tears at bay all weekend but when he finally looks up into Armies stricken face, he knows that the control was all for nothing.

 

“Wha” Armie clears his throat, “what are you talking about, Tim? You can’t do what anymore?”

 

As the tears stream down his face, he says the words that he knows will be the beginning of the end of whatever it is that they’ve had.

 

“I can’t do whatever this is between us anymore. Armie, it hurts too much.”

 

When the words finally enter the space around them, Armie straightens up with a glare on his face. “I never asked you to wait for me while I figured my shit out. In fact, I specifically remember telling you that I might not be worth the wait. Why now? Especially after the weekend we’ve had. Was it all for the fans?”

 

Timmy has always known that Armie resorts to anger when he’s feeling vulnerable but he can’t help it when he flinches as the words leave Armies mouth. “What? No, of course not.  This weekend was about us and if anything has only reinforced my feelings about this.”

 

“Oh really. And what are your fucking feelings about this?”

 

The sarcasm is easy to hear and Timmy knows that Armie is only trying to get a reaction from him, but still it works.

 

With bitterness, he wipes his face and spits out, “Do you know what it’s like? To love someone so much that you can’t breathe without them around you? To feel like you’re crawling out of your skin if you can’t be around them at all times? I-I love you, Armie. I’ll always love you. I know I’m the one who said I could do this, could wait while you figured everything out, but I can’t. Loving you at this time in our lives is too hard.”

 

“But you sai-”

 

His hand is raised to stop whatever it is that Armie has to say. “ _I know what I said_. I know I said that the wait would be worth it; and I still believe that. But Armie, this is affecting you just as much as it is me.  Do you think I can’t see how tired you look? Or the unhappiness that shines through your eyes? I’m taking a step back not just for me but for you too!”

 

The space is too much between them and Timmy has to kneel in front of Armie so he really gets what is being said.

 

“I can’t be the reason that you are making this huge decision. If you want to be with me then that’s great but it needs to be your decision; not just because you know that’s what I want more than anything. And,” Timmy has to swallow around the lump in his throat, ”if ultimately, you want to be with your family, _with Liz_ , then that should be your decision too. But it should be about what you want and not what anyone else wants. What would be best for you, Armie? Have you ever asked yourself that?”

 

“I...I don’t know what I want, Tim. I want to be with you so bad that it hurts more often than not but I also want to do what’s best for my family, my kids. And I just don’t know if what I want is what is best for them.” Heartbreak is there is every word that Armie says, ripped from his throat like a confession.

 

Timmy hangs his head as he stands; a sad smile on his face.

 

“I know. I know and that’s what makes me love you even more.  Which is why I am going to make this easy for you and take myself out of the equation.  And I know it’s unfair, but while you have to think of what is best for others, I have to think of what is best for me.  And what’s best for me? Not this situation. Not this limbo that I’ve emotionally found myself stuck in. Not the guilt that I feel when I see how much this is eating you up inside.”

 

When he realizes that Armie is still listening, Timmy knows this is the one chance he has to get everything out in the open.

 

With a deep breath he says, “While there’s a part of me that is doing this because it’s the best thing for you, the larger part is doing it because it’s what I need to do for myself.  I need this space between us in order to not just survive but to start thriving in the amazing life and opportunities that I’ve been given and I can’t do that while always worrying about what your final decision will be.”

 

“Timmy, I love you. I-I love you more than almost anything.” Armie whispers his statement, almost as a last-ditch effort.

 

With those words hanging in the air Timmy begins to walk towards the door. As he reaches it, he turns and says what he knows will be the final blow. “You once said that you got the advice of how _you should never have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm._ I think it’s time that one of us finally take that advice.”

 

The last thing that Timmy sees is the anguished acceptance that goes across Armies face as the words finally sink in.

 

* * *

 _“So long, my luckless romance_  
_My back is turned on you_  
_Should've known you'd bring me heartache_ _  
Almost lovers always do”_

_Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy_


	2. Palace

_“_ _Sometimes I wish we never built this palace_

_But real love is never a waste of time”_

_Palace - Sam Smith_

* * *

 

 

The snick of the door closing is what finally shocks Armie out of his trance to look around the hotel room. Although it’s as clean as when they’d first come in, everywhere he looks is the destruction of the relationship they had.  

 

Relationship? Is that what it was? Fuck. There were multiple times that he had corrected Timmy and told him not to call it a relationship because he was afraid Timmy would use that word in public. But looking back, Armie wonders if he just didn’t want to call it a relationship because he was afraid to jinx it.  Guess it didn’t matter now.

 

As Armie thinks back to all that Tim had just said, he can’t help but hope that he will pop back through that door. That he’ll start laughing that infection laugh of his and say, “Gotcha fucker! You should totally see your face right now” through wheezing breaths. But in the ten minutes that he’s been in this room alone, he comes to the realization that Timmy isn’t coming back.

 

Once that thought comes, the anger sets in. God, doesn’t Tim understand how hard this was for him? All of the things that would be different if he just upended his life to be with him? Its great and all that Timmy doesn’t have to worry about anyone else but Armie has a _family_ that he has to think about. A family that will forever be changed if he decided to choose Timmy.

 

As soon as those thoughts enter his head, he knows he doesn’t mean them. This has been an impossible situation for the both of them.

 

He starts to understand how serious this last conversation was and the panic starts to set in. Armie begins to think of all the ways that he’ll change or do things differently if only Timmy will come back.

 

“ _I swear, I’ll never take him for granted again. I’ll actually start trying to figure my shit out if only Timmy will walk back through that door,_ ” he bargains while trying to catch his breath.

 

In order to get his panic attack under control he hastily grabs his phone from the ground, (how did it get there?), bypasses the many - _where the fuck are you?_ \- texts from Liz, and goes straight to his “middle finger” picture album. As he slowly scrolls through the album, his breathing starts to slow and he begins to smile without realizing it. All of these pictures, pictures of him and Tim, they’ve always brought him back.They do the same now and yet there’s a bittersweet edge to them that hadn’t been there before today.

 

On impulse, after catching his breath, Armie checks his phone to see if Timmy has called, texted, _anything_ at this point but there’s nothing. His phone goes back in his pocket and Armie sits there, dejected. What is he supposed to do now? He has the last night of the play and his kids of course but Timmy has always been there, in the background.

 

Armie stills, and that’s when he feels like he’s been hit with all of the emotions that he’s kept at bay. _Timmy has always been there, in the background._ Is that why he left? Because Armie seemingly always had to put someone else before him? Armie’s never been a crier and yet as he chokes on the air he’s trying to take in, he understands that these feelings might just kill him.

 

* * *

 

Some time has passed when Armie comes back to himself.  He would be worried about him having passed out but he remembers all of the thoughts he had.

 

He realizes that Timmy was right all along; to put himself before Armie. There was never any doubt that they were good together, _so good together._ But still, there’s no denying that when the lows hit, they came with a vengeance. Times when there was miscommunication or missed opportunities to be together. Times when they got so angry with each other only because they were frustrated about the situations they continued to be placed in.

 

After all of his thoughts have been processed and he’s actually able to think, Armie realizes that he’s just gone through the stages of grieving the relationship that could’ve been. It’s probably the fastest anyone has ever gone through them and yet he comes to the notion that he’s never hurt so goddamned much in his whole life. He loves Timmy with everything he has to give him but he’s come to accept the fact that it was naive of them to think they could be together without one of them being torn apart first.

 

It’s only when he finally has his bearings that Armie looks at the last message he received. It’s an hour ago, from Liz, and although she’s chewing the hell out of him for being MIA the whole day, she sends him a picture of Hops and Ford cuddling on the couch. That’s what finally gets Armie off his ass so that he can make the plans to fly back to New York.

 

He’s surprised to see that he’s been in that hotel room for five hours, four of them without Timmy, because it feels like the time has crawled and yet that he just got there. Armie sees the crunched up water bottle that Timmy left though, so he knows that all of this wasn’t just some terrible dream.

 

As he’s sitting in the airport terminal, barely able to catch the last flight out for the night, his thoughts go back to Timmy. It probably doesn’t help that he’s looking through their album again but he just can’t stop. This is all he has now. Memories of them. He knows that he shouldn’t contact him, that it’ll only make it harder than it already is but imagining that Tim thinks he hates him makes the decision for him.

 

< I understand now. Go. Shine.>

 

* * *

 

_“And I know we’ll both move on_   
_You’ll forgive what I did wrong_   
_They will love the better you_ _  
_ But I still own the ghost of you”

_Palace - Sam Smith_


	3. Never Forget You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I trying to break your heart with this chapter? No.
> 
> Will your heart potentially break with this chapter? Maybe.
> 
> Idk guys. I guess I can only write sad things!

_“_ _From the day that I met you_

_I knew that I would love you 'til the day I die”_

_Never Forget You - Zara Larsson, MNEK_

* * *

 

 It’s officially been three weeks since TIFF and that fateful hotel room talk and yet, of those 504 hours Timmy feels like he’s been drowning 403 of them.

When he first left that hotel behind, _left him behind,_ Timmy thought he might have made a horrible mistake. He kept going  through what he said and almost turned back to fight for him and Armie. But he couldn’t. He was so tired of being the only to fight for what they had.

Brian had known where he’d been and automatically started asking questions as soon as he had come back.

 

* * *

 

_“What are you doing here, Timmy?” he asks with exasperated fondness. “I scheduled time away for you for at least three more hours.”_

  _“Umm ya, ya we just got done. It’s fine.. It’s over. Ya, everything's good.”_

  _Timmy knows that this conversation needed to end. He was exhausted and didn’t know how much longer he could go without finding a bed to collapse onto._

  _“Timmy, what happened? Is everything okay?”_

  _It's clear that Brian’s concerned about him and wants to know what’s going on but Timmy can’t find it in himself to care._

  _“No, everything's not okay. I’m gonna go lay down.”_

  _As Timmy walks passed, Brian halts his steps by grabbing his arm. Timmy thinks that he would probably fall apart from the sad understanding in Brian's eyes if it wasn’t for the fact that he was numb all over; instead he just averts his eyes. With a nod, Brian lets him go and Timmy goes to collapse on his bed and curls in on himself; not thinking, just staring at the wall. Eventually he falls asleep but he doesn’t quite remember when or how. They never end up talking about what happened that day; they both just know._

 

* * *

 

That’s how Tim had been that first week. Numb. Even the message from Armie couldn’t break through the numbness. When he was in California promoting _Beautiful Boy_ , he put his all into the press interviews and the fake smiles because he knew that if he didn’t concentrate on every little thing he had to do, he’d get swept under by the emotions that had yet to surface.

So, Timmy did what he was paid to do. He smiled. He waved at the fans and tried to see as many as he could; even though it was like he was shot every time they asked about Armie. He continued to make an appearance on social media. Being awkward in interviews hadn’t been a problem since that was his natural disposition, so he didn’t have to put too much effort into that.

Everything was fine, great even. Great until he went back to New York and Pauline decided to drop in; insisting that she needed sibling bonding time. That’s when the anger and pain set in.

 

* * *

 

_Pauline barges into his apartment as if she owns the place. She takes a sweeping look at the living room and kitchen and rolls her eyes when she sees Timmy lounging on the couch in an old shirt and ratty sweats; staring off into space._

_“God, it stinks in here. It looks like you haven’t cleaned your apartment since before you left for Toronto. Did you even do any basic hygiene today?”_

_Pauline has always had a demanding, older sister tone when she reprimands Timmy; which he’s never minded before. But now, that demanding tone is starting to remind him of someone else and because he can’t handle thinking of that person right now, it just pisses him off._

_“Why, hello Pauline. It’s so nice to see you. Did you miss me while you’ve been gone? No? Then why are you here? Especially since we haven’t talked in god knows how long.”_

_He knows he’s not really mad at Pauline and that it’s unfair to blame her for their silent stretch because they’ve both been so busy but she’s the only one here and it’s like he has word vomit._

_He has so much energy coursing through his body right now that he has to stand up just so he doesn’t short circuit. In anger, he turns to face Pauline._

_“Who knows, maybe if we actually talked, you’d know what the fuck has been going on in my life. Do you know or have a tiny inkling? Do you understand the hell that I’ve put myself through just to get out of the hell that I was previously putting myself through?”_

_At this point, he could be yelling but he can’t tell anymore. The words won’t stop coming even though he wants them to. He’s not even looking at Pauline anymore; just waving his hands around as if that will help get his point across._

_“The only communication that we’ve had in the two weeks since Toronto is when he texted me saying that he understood and that I should go shine. He understood?! Am I supposed to give a flying fuck that he understood where I was coming from? Did he think that I needed his permission to start moving on just because he understood? God. Fuck that stupid movie. Fuck him for being in it. FUCK HIM FOR MAKING ME FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM.”_

_It’s only when Timmy hears a gasp over the ringing in his ears that he looks over at his sister. She’s crying, silently, with her hands over her mouth, looking at him like she doesn't know who he is anymore. And that’s what finally makes him break because he feels like he doesn’t know who he is anymore either and he doesn’t know how to get back to himself._

_Falling to his knees, Timmy feels himself clawing at his neck because he just.can’t.breathe. And the only thing that stops him from drawing blood is Pauline kneeling beside him and grabbing his hands._

_“It’s okay.” She murmurs. “Timmy. It’s okay to be heartbroken.”_

_“I just couldn’t do it anymore.” He cries. And it’s like the floodgates have been released because once he’s started crying, he can’t stop. All of those emotions that he was able to escape that first week are now coming at him with a vengeance and they’re too much._

_“God, I love him but I just couldn’t do it anymore. I thought that once I broke it off it would get easier but I just feel worse. I feel hollow all the time.”_

_He’s grasping Pauline's hands like the lifeline they are. He looks up at her with questioning eyes as if she has all of the answers. He knows that he’s a mess but he needs his sister more than anything right now._

_“How do I make it stop, Pauline? The feeling of being hollow. How do I get back to myself?”_

_“You don’t make it stop. Timmy, in order to come out of this on the other side, you have to go through every rip, tear, and hole that you can feel in your heart right now. It’s only after you’ve checked your heart over that you can get back to who you are as a person.”_

_He knows she’s right but it just hurts so much. He can hear himself sobbing and saying “I love him” on a continuous loop but Pauline just sits there with him, wiping his face, and letting him cry himself out until he’s exhausted._

_Pauline helps him to bed and tucks him in with his favorite blanket from when he was a kid. It’s only after she climbs in, facing him and holding his hands again like they did when they were little, does she say the words that he finds the most comfort in. He’s barely awake at this point and yet he soaks up her words as if he was a sponge._

_“I love you, Timmy.” She breathes quietly. “I’ll stay here with you until your filming starts in October. I’m here for you. You won’t have to go through this alone.”_

 

* * *

 

So, Timmy has officially been on the set of _Little Women_ for a couple of days and he can’t help but think that this was the best thing for him. Being around such good friends, meeting new icons, and getting back to doing what he loves has put everything into perspective.

Those weeks with Pauline were hard and ugly. More days than not they just spent in his bed doing nothing; but they helped. He understands that him trying to pretend that everything was fine is where his real breakdown came from. Only after he had painted the walls of his apartment with his heartache did he begin to start on the path towards being okay.

He knows that he’ll probably always love Armie, who will forever carry a piece of his heart with him. But with that love came so much pain and Timmy needs to take care of himself now. That’s what he told Armie after all, that he needed to do what was best for him. So, even though it hurts like a bitch, Timmy doesn’t look back, tries not to regret his decision, and instead decides that the only way to move on is to move forward. 

 

* * *

 

_“And all along, I knew I had something special with you_

_But sometimes you just gotta know that these things fall through”_

_Never Forget You - Zara Larsson & MNEK _

**Author's Note:**

> [You can find me on tumblr as muchlove-judge](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/muchlove-judge)


End file.
